When Conflict Shows Up
What do you do when conflict crops up? Maybe you’re in a meeting making a decision, and things get heated. Or maybe you’re talking with a colleague or neighbor and all of sudden, they say something you deeply disagree with. Or perhaps it’s the classic holiday dinner example, where everyone avoids certain topics, so that you can all get to dessert without incident.
Conflict is a natural and unavoidable part of the human experience, but it can bring up lots of feelings and fears around our relationships and safety with other humans—particularly our need for social acceptance and belonging. It’s not surprising then that when conflict shows up, so do our stress responses.
Our stress responses don’t always distinguish between a truly unsafe situation, and a challenging but safe disagreement. That’s why it’s important to learn to recognize the difference between harmful conflict and healthy conflict. Healthy conflict can still feel uncomfortable, but there is a difference between feeling uncomfortable and feeling unsafe. If you are feeling unsafe, pay attention to that feeling and figure out what you need to do to support yourself, whether it’s de-escalating the conversation, getting help from someone you trust, or removing yourself from the interaction.
Healthy conflict enables us to disagree without damaging our relationships, so that we can talk through tough decisions, address misunderstandings, or share the impacts of someone’s choices and actions. These moments can open doors to build a better understanding of each other, and potentially arrive at new paths forward together, if we have the tools and skills to respond to conflict with intention.
Being Present
When you’re fully in reactive mode and your nervous system is all revved up, it’s challenging to figure out what to do next. Calming down the nervous system a little makes it easier to make conscious, strategic choices about how to respond . One of the simplest, and most effective, ways to do that is to take a few slow breaths.
Then check in with yourself:
- How are you feeling in this moment?
Whatever you are feeling is valid, and labeling your feelings can provide you with helpful information. For example, if you are feeling extremely angry or sad, that might be a sign that you need a break before you can continue the conversation, productively. - What do you need right now? What is your goal for this interaction?
In professional settings, likely most of your work-related conversations and interactions are connected to at least one goal of some kind, whether it’s getting things done or figuring out what to do next. The more clear you can be for yourself about your goals for a meeting you’re having or an email you’re sending, the more likely it is you’ll be able to move toward those goals effectively. But when conflict comes up, sometimes the original goal isn’t possible any more, at least not right away. How do your goals for this interaction need to adapt in order to still be achievable? What do you need so that you can respond to the conflict effectively? In a moment of conflict, depending on the context, your primary goal could become “Keep my cool and maintain this relationship” or a key need might be to “Take a break and revisit this later” (and yes, checking in with yourself about how you’re feeling helps to inform the evolution of your goals when conflict crops up!). - What can you do next to help you achieve your goal and meet your needs?
Once you’ve revisited your goals for the interaction, consider what your options are for next steps that could help you get there. Having some strategies for communicating through conflict that you are ready to use, and some clear boundaries for yourself about when you will, and will not, engage in a disagreement, can help you to not be caught off guard.
Putting It Into Practice
Conflict is part of the human experience. If we are never willing to disagree and share why, we miss opportunities to learn from, and with, each other. It’s not comfortable, but it is important.
Remembering that we have a choice about how we respond to conflict takes practice, but it’s the first step toward more understanding, connection, and growth. Taking a moment to check in with ourselves about how we’re feeling, what our goals and needs are for the interaction, and how we can move towards meeting those goals and needs in a healthy way, it can make a big difference in how conflicts unfold.
We share some science-backed methods for responding to common conflict situations in our Communicating Through Conflict workshop. It’s a space to explore these skills in community and try out practical tools to help you respond—rather than react—when conflict comes up. Because it will!
Additional Resources:
- High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, by Amanda Ripley, 2021. Simon & Schuster
- Breathe: The New Science of a Lost Art, by James Nestor, 2020. Riverhead Books. (see pages Chapter 5 for more on why slow breaths are most effective at calming the body down, and Chapter 6 on why deep breaths, or overbreathing, can do more harm than good)
